QUOTES FILE =========== Every comment in this file has actually been said by the person credited (except in the case of pseudonyms). Any quotes you pick up should be mailed with subject line "Quote" to dave@zenda.demon.co.uk. No offence is meant to any person living, dead or JML11. (Or DJSD100, for that matter.) All the quotes-related messages that have been sent since early 1991 are kept in the archive file all_quotes.txt in this filespace . Dates are when the quote was actually said, if known: otherwise they're dates of submission. Note that this file is in reverse chronological order. ----------- DAG1000: "Can anybody hold my mead while I go find the rest of my clothes?" (12/6/97) DPS1001: "Sex, death and the European Union in one thread, the three great taboos." (12/5/97) DJSD100: "I'm trying to determine what sex I am, but I can't see my own nose." (10/1/97) MJH22: "I think if they'd been wasting their time having sex I would have been much more relaxed about it." (1/5/97) JKR1003: "Perhaps I shall have my midlife crisis now and beat the rush." (10/3/97) ex-EJH1006: "Is it like a pomegranate, or is it a mutant Israeli tomato thing?" (talking about a persimmon) (5/3/97) ex-ECI1000: (re MJS1006) "Whatever it was that we were doing, we're not doing it any more." (2/3/97) MPR22: "Or is it just me that has had a sex life oddly reminiscent of a weird Romanian animation film from time to time?" (18/2/97) DR10009: "Austin, what are you on about?" AND1000: "The relative scarcity of aardvarks compared to microseconds." (27/1/97) CDM1003: "You've got the penis, you operate the phone!" (19/1/97) CDM1003: "I've never even seen [IWJ10]'s genitalia, more's the pity..." (19/1/97) ex-SA121: "We need a conspiracy theory big enough to include a hatstand." (17/1/97) AND1000: "I should have not gone to that dodgy place and sold my genitals." (10/1/97) SDE1000: "I haven't spent enough time with my head down that toilet." (31/12/96) JKR1003: "It's a toss-up as to what comes first, the bathroom or the thesis." (31/12/96) JKR1003: "Where did that banana come from?" MJH22: "It just appeared in my mouth." (21/12/96) MJH22: "You can smear me as much as you like." (21/12/96) MJH22: "I'm not a dipstick, I'm a sump." (21/12/96) RML21 (to IWJ10): "Didn't you used to be at Churchill? Are you *that* Ian Jackson?" (13/12/96) AND1000: "Steve [SDE1000] was on the pull, I was just out for a good time." (13/12/96) OSD1000: "We clearly need an infra-red camera in the loo." (8/12/96) SDE1000: "A combination of head and wind is not very nice." (25/11/96) AND1000: "People would pay money just to experience me!" (12/11/96) ex-ECI1000 (editing colours with an RGB colour editor): "...so, how do I get green?" (7/11/96) ex-RJK1002 (to OSD1000): "Was that part of you or part of me?" (7/11/96) ex-RJK1002: "It's not hereditory: neither of my parents was called John." ex-MJW1007: "Both of mine were." (3/11/96) ex-MJS1006: "I am seriously lying here with the telephone and Clare [ex-ECI1000] on top of me." (31/10/96) PAS14 (of OSD1000): "I can hold him --- I don't have a groin." (21/10/96) OSD1000: "Hang on a cotton-picking minuet ..." (26/06/96) MJH22: "I have exceptionally tenuous buttocks." (22/06/96) AND1000: "Esther Rantzen has a slot for kinky vegetables." (10/06/96) JTJM2: (in ucam.chat) "I don't believe any of my postings can have convinced anyone that I am a fuckwit." (29/05/96) PAS14: "I wasn't looking at the thing I drove the car into, that's nothing to do with spatial awareness." (18/05/96) PAS14: "If I email you then you'll take your clothes off; that's no good, I'm on a text-only terminal." (15/05/96) IWJ10: "So you pressed ctrl-C ctrl-C ctrl-X ctrl-C ctrl-D ctrl-D." DJH1008: "Well, you're a control freak!" (15/05/96) PAS14: "I don't know why you think I'm an appropriate person to ask about losing reputations." (15/05/96) DPS1001: "My xterms have to be black because if I make them white, I can't hear the radio." (04/05/96) ex-MJS1006 [to ECI1000]: "Your best feature is that you don't run Windows" (01/05/96) AND1000: "I shouldn't have had last that last glass of last of glass of port." (27/04/96) IWJ10: "Stop contradicting me, then." AND1000: "I'm not contradicticting you." (18/04/96) RFK1000 [of OSD1000]: "I could just about imagine crawling into his bed and biting him while he was unaware." (17/04/96) Ex-JMB29: "I hear you two are going to be living in sin." AND1000: "Where's sin?" Ex-JMB29: "Anywhere you want it to be." (14/04/96) OSD1000: "I think asking Austin for sexual favours is quite reasonable." OSD1000: "Were it possible, I'd have Austin's babies." (14/04/96) AND1000 [apropos a scrawled list of quotes]: "I'll have to get drunk again so I can read it." (14/04/96) DNA1000: "This is 24mm, which is a hell of a lot wider than most people can boast." (14/04/96) OSD1000: "There are hackers and there are lumberjacks." Ex-RJK1002: "Huh?" OSD1000: "I'm keeping my silence on that one - I'm not quite sure what it means myself." (13/04/96) CRB11: "I keep thinking: there was void over the face of the Earth, and God cast it to Earth." (04/04/96) OSD1000: "Presumably Richard [ex-rjk1002] isn't going to marry everyone in the world." (04/04/96) Ex-JMB29: "It's scary to think that at one time Latin was portable code." (31/03/96) NSM14: "I said high art and culture, not bloody opera!"(31/03/96) MJH22: "Some of us are getting old faster than others."(31/03/96) MJH22: "I got a 2.1 all three years, which must say something about my sex life." (31/03/96) RRW1000: "I'm going to get rid of my girlfriend by morphing her into Julian." (31/03/96) AND1000 [to ML10003]: "Marisa, you don't have a userid so you don't have a middle name." (26/03/96) Ex-HDW11: "It's like nanotechnology, only bigger..." (18/03/96) DJSD100: "The only aspect in which I am similar to Mrs Thatcher is that I am not recognisably female." (16/03/96) AND1000 [to ECI1000]: "Do you have a groin?" MJH22: "Clare has a groin." ECI1000: "As far as I know, I have a groin." PAS14: "Perhaps we could go somewhere quieter and investigate..." (11/03/96) Ex-SA121: "You've not had Nir [ex-NL105] come up to you in a lecture and say `I recognise those legs.'" (10/03/96) MJH22: "You think _I've_ had too much port ? At least I know which woman is which." (11/02/96) ECI1000: "Help, I'm being descended on by a manic frog [MJH22]." (11/02/96) OSD1000: "It's quite the most foul thing I've seen in my life. It looks like it's composed entirely of bollocks." (09/02/96) RRW1000: "Want a bonk?" EMPP1: "I'd rather play Doom." (31/01/96) DJH1008: "That's why you've had your hair cut, so the light can get to your eyes." Ex-RJK1002: I photosynthesize, you know. (28/01/96) IWJ10: "You were fighting me off." ML10003: "Yes, I thought you were a wasp." (28/01/96) PAS14 (in ucam.chat): "Male tortoises on Aldabra will bonk anything" (25/01/96) DJH1008 to ex-RJK1002: "I love it when you vibrate your head, Richard." (23/01/96) DJSD100: "I've ridden whatever they call horses before they call them horses." (15/01/96) DPS1001: "My teddy had an imaginary friend, personally." (15/01/96) DJH1008 (to PJB1008) "I love you! I want to have your lecture notes!" (14/01/96) AND1000: "On a vt100 it's escape seven em." RJK1002: "Austin, do you have any idea of the magnitude of my indifference to these things?" (07/01/96) CRB11: "The church I go to has the latest morning service in Cambridge. It's full of Computer Scientists." (17/12/95) OSD1000: "Clive's not a vampire, but he certainly looks a bit undead." (17/12/95) OSD1000: "If Hell is a state of mind, then my mind's in Essex." (17/12/95) PAS14: "I can see his [ex-RJK1002's] bum and his elbow." CRB11: "Can you tell the difference?" (17/12/95) JDG1002: "She was very nice, _and_ I couldn't understand a word she was saying." (15/12/95) TJRC1: "I can pick my nose with my tongue, so there." (15/12/95) SDE1000: "I'm cultivating a toast cabinet." (10/12/95) OSD1000: "Do we accept that Unix is a third declension noun?" All: "Yes..." (09/12/95) RJK1002: "The road to the Mond is paved with good intentions." (09/12/95) OSD1000: "I don't want a helipad on my gas meter." (08/12/95) IWJ10: "You've got to blindfold them so they don't know it's coming, then you can go bouncy-bouncy-bouncy on them." (08/12/95) RRW1000: "I'm not marrying it, I'm eating it." (02/12/95) PAS14 (to MJH22): "They're my best buttons, and you're not allowed to eat them!" (28/11/95) PAS14: "I'm not speaking German, I'm speaking words." (28/11/95) ECI1000: "There's this dance... you do it in pairs of five." (28/11/95) ECI1000: "I'm quite awake. I've only had one glass of... whatever." (25/11/95) RJK1002: "How embarassing, my backside's leaking spare neutrons." (24/11/95) CD10001: "You're not a real canoeist if you haven't pissed in your wetsuit." (24/11/95) Ex-MJS1006: "There's nothing wrong with having erotic fantasies about Jaffa Cakes..." (24/11/95) MJH22: "I'm obviously not as memorable when I don't have people grovelling in my groin..." (24/11/95) IWJ10: "You are presuming that you can only have ducks with exterior vertices." (24/11/95) RJK1002: "No good reason to get out of bed for an alien landing." (22/11/95) OSD1000: "It's still got Helen's bidet party on it." (20/11/95) n.harris@ic.ac.uk: "I wouldn't say that I'm dominant exactly, just like to have my own way all the time." (16/11/95) Ex-SA121: "I don't know which is more amazing: the hair or the girlfriend." (13/11/95) AND1000 (to MJH22): "So, you want babies rather than basic reproduction?" (11/11/95) MTBC100 (of PAS14): "I suddenly realised that here was a woman who knew when to put the oil in." (11/11/95) OSD1000 (to assembled company): "All of you have featured in my dreams at some point, but usually as random people chasing me with lemons. ... Well, I have these fruit dreams, you see..." (11/11/95) IWJ10: "Three is a ménage à trois. That's not four." (11/11/95) ECLC100: "We don't have a chance to talk about salad cream any more." (10/11/95) DAG1000 to MJH22: "I don't know, all I can see is a mop of curly hair and a bottle." [Story of my life -- Ed.] (10/11/95) JKR1003: "I didn't want a moral basis for redistributive taxation, I just wanted free porn! Bloody hell!" (10/11/95) MJH22 (to OSD1000): "Well in that case I'm your grandfather." (09/11/95) LJW1004: "Of course, Christina Rosetti wouldn't be seen dead in the Mond Room." (04/11/95) AND1000: "Oh, is she at New Hall too?" (Austin wins the Goering Award for Cultural Awareness) (04/11/95) RM10006: "On a scale of 1 to Richard Watts, you rank beyond Richard Watts." (04/11/95) MJH22: [to PAS14] "Your userid is not an organ of your body, sweetheart." (04/11/95) MJH22: "Richard Watts is in fact all my favourite people." (04/11/95) JKR1003 (explaining his incompetence): "I've had too much of that Wicked whatever-it-was." (03/11/95) DJSD100: "What would I do with an 18 inch cock?" (20/10/95) IWJ10: "Clive would be a lot worse if he were covered in papier-maché." (14/10/95) RJK1002: "After all that port I'm barely in a state to distinguish between a padlock and a cursor." (24/09/95) PAS14: "There isn't a King of France, because we don't know whether he's bald or not." (24/09/95) MJH22: "I wonder what a bottom is and how you higgle it. [pause] I know what a bottom is." (24/09/95) AND1000: "So what's this Phoenix lark then. How do I go about using it?" [at 9.01 *sniff*] (01/09/95) CRB11: "Is that chocolate cake UACC ALTER?" (01/09/95) DAC11: "I can't telnet a curry down here." (01/09/95) +***From RGEP: Tomorrow I go in to advisory and say +***From RGEP: 'There's something wrong with my Phoenix account' +***From RGEP: 'I don't seem to be able to log in any more' (31/08/95) DJSD100: "Of course, you don't know what your friend's definition of cute is." IWJ10: "Probably to be seen with [AG129]." DJSD100: "Well, almost anyone would look cute next to [AG129]." (26/08/95) Ex-GT102: "David Hartley would be turning in his grave if he were dead." (26/08/95) EMPP1: "I want a patch to make me female." (24/08/95) PAS14: "Bob [RJD4] isn't one for not inflating any woman who..." Omnes: "Quote!" (16/08/95) MJH22 [to PAS14]: ...so which one of us is male and which is female then? (16/08/95) ex-SA121: "I have no control over the primary colours; they are entirely at the whim of Cambridge Cable." (16/08/95) IWJ10 [to MJH22]: "Martin, you do a remarkably good impression of a repressed Viking with a penknife." (16/08/95) +***From FJMD1: What I want is a girlfried chin letter (11/08/95) IWJ10: "Martin, you're turning into Francis Davey, now." MJH22: "I think Francis has a very sensible outlook on life." (07/08/95) TC108: "If a lion can do TeX, why can't a dog do Postscript?" (30/07/95) IWJ10: "I'm suffering from Parsley fatigue." (21/07/95) IWJ10: "I'm especially good in the back seat." (07/07/95) PAS14: "Fancy having a country run by someone who doesn't like garlic ..." (03/07/95) Ex-TGR10: "There's a difference between a sense of adventure and having beer slopped on your groin." (02/07/95) MJH22: "What's the age of consent for ducks?" (02/07/95) MTBC100: "You have to be drunk to appreciate Elizabeth Pringle." (20/06/95) MTBC100: "There's nothing like having a big organ you can impress people with." (20/06/95) OSD1000: "Mike Pitt's tongue is one of the most unpleasant things I've experienced." (11/06/95) EMPP1: "I had more people to deal with than anyone else has ever had." (11/06/95) EMPP1: "Have I said anything I can't remember?" (11/06/95) DJSD100: "It's hard enough for me to post news with my nose without you lot making it harder." (10/06/95) AND1000: "A dyke is a low wall. PAS14: "Where have you been all your life?" AND1000: "Holland, basically." (09/06/95) DJSD100: "I cannot try, I have no other functionality."(09/06/95) IWJ10: "People don't use roller-skates as a substitute for sex?" (09/06/95) Ex-IJW11: The problem with this is that it goes very rigid when there's a lot of suck on it. (08/06/95) +***From RB10007: excuse any cock-ups, I'm having a wank, or am I just using a Mac +***From RB10007: I'm shooting off now. See ya (07/06/95) Ex-TH10006: "What's the use of radio galaxies anyway?" MJH22: [rhetorically]: "What is the use of a new-born child?" Ex-TH10006: "Well, you could have a game of Rugby." (29/05/95) RJK1002: "What are you doing for food this evening?" DJSD100: "I'm considering screaming and leaping at some random Arts student." (24/05/95) DJSD100: "Tell him can I be 5 minutes while I propose to someone of indeterminate sex?" (24/05/95) AND1000 (encountering a Nethack gecko): "Ooh, a geeko." RJK1002: "A small lizard-like compsci." DJSD100: "A small compsci-like Lizard." (22/05/95) Ex-MJW19: "What about using a loaded dildo as a shotgun - is that safe sex?" (see also 28/09/92) (22/05/95) MJH22: "I can see myself through this hole in the back of my neck." (21/05/95) Faith Giddings [friend of DJSD100]: "There's no gossip on [DJSD100] because no-one will have anything to do with him." (16/05/95) DJSD100: "I just had to look at my watch to see what year it is." (16/05/95) JKR1003: [At a fun fair]: "That [ride] looks like a Tripos question." (14/05/95) TC108: "If you're shagging, you can't shag in public, but if you're not shagging, you can not shag anywhere." (11/05/95) MTBC100: "You've got your dangly thing caught between my legs." (27/04/95) +***From MSG1000: Er, I'm getting disjointed here - there go my arms off into the sunset... (25/04/95) Ex-MJW19 [to ex-IWJ11]: "I think 21p is a fair price for putting my head between your legs, thank you very much." (19/04/95) ex-DAC11: "They want to iron out the hiccups." (01/04/95) RJK1002: "I'm usually good at saying things like `sitting on cheese', but after a while they tend to grate a bit." (24/03/95) RJK1002: [re the above] "I'll never be able to look myself in the eye again." (24/03/95) OSD1000: "...otherwise there would be three Davids [DJSD100] and one of them would be female." (24/03/95) RRW1000: "Look what came up." EMPP1: "Well, flick it some more and maybe it'll get big enough to jump on." [While playing Doom, so they claim...] (20/03/95) RJK1002: "Computer, Computer Scientist - there's no real difference is there?" (19/03/95) Ex-MJW19: "Ah, the days when you had to decide between going to the pub and going to the Mond Room..." (19/03/95) DJH1008: "I can insert it menacingly up your bottom, alright?" (19/03/95) DJH1008: (to ex-CRJ10) "What's your glue of choice, then?" (19/03/95) OSD1000: "Do you think we should pay to send Dave [DJH1008] on an umbrella training course?" (19/03/95) DAG1000: "I wouldn't have a wheelchair to stand on, let alone a leg!" (18/03/95) OSD1000: "Life is too complicated *without* mushrooms."(18/03/95) JMB29: "I do in fact edit myself to avoid causing offence." (11/03/95) RJF1001: "I'm not randomly getting off with people just for the sake of your bloody graph." (11/03/95) Ex-MJW19: "If I should die, think only this of me. There is a crumbly, flaky thing - goodnight." (08/03/95) SDE1000: "I have been narged at by a slide rule." (07/03/95) HJB1002: "Snails are quite attractive." (07/03/95) OSD1000 (to DAG1000): "Where's your head gone?" (07/03/95) RJF1001: "Are you sure it's not Michael Jackson in the disc drive?" (05/03/95) ex-JMB29: [referring to the Marriage of Figaro]: "It's from a play by Beaujolais." (05/03/95) PJB1008: "The Mond room isn't a very romantic place, is it." (04/03/95) +***From RJK1002: Is there any sensible way to smoke a pancake? (28/02/95) NG110: "I've never eaten a theoretical research group before." (23/02/95) PAS14: Lots of flailing naked just-woken-up male flesh, that's what I like. (21/02/95) +***From MJW1007: BTW my spelling is because I'm running Windows. (17/02/95) JKR1003: "I can't get my teeth around it, it's too small." (16/02/95) DJSD100: "Anything natural is likely to be dirty and unpleasant." (15/02/95) OSD1000: "Is it illegal to possess one of those that you lick?" [he claimed when pressed to have been talking about frogs] (13/02/95) MJH22: "Imagine nonoxynol-9 smeared all over the read/write head." (13/02/95) IWJ10 [to MJH22]: "I can probably run faster than you." MJH22: "We can have a lot of fun finding out." (13/02/95) OSD1000 [a la Marvin]: "I learned the word for 'commit suicide' in Arabic today. I just thought you might like to know." (13/02/95) MJH22 "I'm not used to it being 1994, and it's nearly March already." (13/02/95) OSD1000: "My password contains more shifty characters than the Tory cabinet." (11/02/95) DJH1008: "I've got a bigger bum than I thought." (05/02/95) HJB1002: "Only Ian Jackson can save the world." (03/02/95) JKR1003: "Just think about Microsoft condoms..." Ex-SA121: "General Protection Fault." (03/02/95) SDE1000: "I am a well-known dribbler." (03/02/95) JKR1003: "Martin's office is full of pigs and members of CUED with their pants down." (03/02/95) +***From IWJ10: I'm only up to about 2 inches, but I'm using two desks, the top of the heater and my monitor. (02/02/95) Ex-HP102: "Well you only have a 40th birthday once every ten years." (31/01/95) [In the College computer officers' meeting...] RJS1: "If you're not very clever, use a Macintosh". (18/01/95) EAM1002: "Oh dear, lots of people are going to get Blobbed and I suspect both of them are going to be me." (16/01/95) FJMD1: "Sheep and moas are about the same." (12/01/95) +***From GKS1: A crab, I would imagine. I can do you one +***From GKS1: at cost-price; fell off the back of a lorry, +***From GKS1: honest guv. More and more! Now in its tenth +***From GKS1: interesting week! No, there's more to come. +***From GKS1: These stretch limos are big, aren't they? +***From GKS1: Only in training. well, Carol, if that happens +***From GKS1: you look away, or put on dark glasses, or +***From GKS1: capture the optician. Yes, but mine took 55 +***From GKS1: minutes to do a journey that used to take half +***From GKS1: an hour. +***From GKS1: Oh blast, I thought I was in MAIL. (06/01/95) RJK1002: "Did you read the Tit Hall Milk thread?" [on ucam.chat] OSD1000: "I skimmed it." (28/12/95) Ex-MJW19: "Global thermonuclear war is a totally reasonable response to being tickled." (07/12/94) OSD1000: "It's OK. Goblins program in COBOL." (04/12/94) EMPP1: [whilst playing TIE fighter] "It's not the kind of thing you notice when you're trying to eat a satsuma in the middle of a space battle." (03/12/94) MJH22: "Mine's twelve foot long and orange, too." (02/12/94) EJH1006: "What's a bus? I'm only an arts student." (02/12/94) +***From FJMD1: I am slightly tempted to become a sex therapist. It might be good work (30/11/94) Ex-JMB29: "I've been spending the entire weekend staring at ceilings." (26/11/94) Ex-MJW19: "Never have sex while listening to a Monty Python record." (26/11/94) IWJ10: "Colin came over here because the conversation over there was less interesting." MJH22: "He was probably talking to Clive." (26/11/94) THB11: "He's going through his Minstrel period." (26/11/94) AND1000: (to DJH1008): "Dave, you're a choirboy!" (26/11/94) IWJ10: (re `Linus Torrrrrrrvalds') "The .au file does it better than I can." (26/11/94) DJSD100: "I can't handle being accepted." (25/11/94) ex-XXM10: "I am the game warden for the information rhinoceros." (24/11/94) EMPP1: (in ucam.rec.games.assassin) (we'll leave the cupboard out of it. I only went in there because it was dark in there and the lights were biting me!) (22/11/94) EMPP1: "I'm not sad. I haven't logged on for at least 15 hours." (20/11/94) EMPP1: "There's a fiver. That's about what I cost." (in a take-away) (20/11/94) RRW1000: "Which one's sweeter: white or red wine?" (20/11/94) Ex-CRJ10: "Well, I'm not a *complete* sex-crazed pervert, you know" (19/11/94) Ex-MJW19: "Since I was already replacing sperm with transistor I figured replacing God with Tudor was okay." (16/11/94) DJSD100: "I've never even heard of Frank Field .... other than that he's a Tory." (16/11/94) DJSD100: (to EMPP1, female) "Sorry, had you noticed you had a little hole?" (16/11/94) ["Charles" is JRP's toddler] +***From JRP1: Must go and pick up Charles from school. (a few NOTIFYs later) +***From JRP1: I need to go and rescue the local sex-maniac at once. (14/11/94) Ex-MJW19: "I am a tool of Satan." Ex-CRJ10: "Quote!" Ex-MJW19: "I don't care. Satan is one of my favourite people - after Joan Bakewell." (13/11/94) [Clive = ex-CRJ10, Boydie=THB11; said over a talker] Clive valiantly offers to save Boydie the trouble of having sex with Carol Vorderman. (10/11/94) TC108: "What colour do you think Muhammad was? He wasn't white..." TJRC1: "He wasn't black either." TC108: "He was, in the dark." (08/11/94) SCD12: [about William Gibson] "His novels don't come across as a Canadian view of the future... you'd expect more mooses." (06/11/94) PJB1008: "That girl over there's not responding to input." (03/11/94) MJH22: "Vodka is more important than coffee, and dresses are intrinsically more appealing than socks." (02/11/94) MJH22: "I don't know what it is that attracts me to minor male parts." (02/11/94) HJB1002 (to MJH22): "That'll keep you safely laid for a few months" (02/11/94) HJB1002 (to MJH22): "Does that mean that if we stand face to face and point them at each other I get it first?" (02/11/94) DJSD100: "I think I made `dissimilate' up on the spur of the moment, which would explain why I don't know what it means." (02/11/94) RJK1002: "My bank statement would have to be in hex to be convenient." (26/10/94) HMAF1: "CUSFS? That sounds more like some peculiar sexual practice!" (26/10/94) DJSD100: "I think my bedder has a motion sensor attached to my trousers." (26/10/94) Clive (ex-CRJ10): "I'd use a creme egg rather than a 250g bar for ultimate satisfaction, you know." (21/10/94) RIT10: "The Psalms are numbered between zero and 147..." (14/10/94) ex-GRM11: "I was importuned by an exceptionally large piece of broccoli." (14/10/94) +***From GER11: Which is West Rd anyway? I used to know these things but I've forgotten. (14/10/94) An American tourist, overheard by EMPP1 in the ADC after a performance of The Marriage of Figaro: "I know some of that music - it's from a film called _Amadeus_." (13/10/94) IWJ10: "I have protection." (IWJ's protection sidles off to the left) MJH22: "General Protection Fault!" (09/10/94) JKR1003: "Are you selling your elbow in public again?" (09/10/94) [joint hug] DJH1008: "It's cosy in here, isn't it?" HJB1002: "Oh my God! Rugby!" (09/10/94) MJH22: "You see Churchill and die." (09/10/94) DJH1008: "I've run out of fingers." AND1000: "A quota of 10 isn't enough - apply for more!"(09/10/94) TJRC1: "Are we going to eat before or after the meal?" (08/10/94) ex-TGR10: "I'm always a model of politeness." Kathy (Tim's better half): "Obviously not a working model." (28/09/94) ex-MJW19 (provisional driving licence holder, doesn't drive): "You shouldn't think while driving, it just slows you down." (05/09/94) VHK10 (in Groggs): When I try and look at the picture of myself, I appear to be largely featureless. I'm told this is because I only have 4MB RAM ... (16/08/94) +***From IWJ10: Not really, but it feels a bit stiff and odd at times, and so I'm treating it very gently. (08/08/94) JMB29 [to EMPP1 and RRW1000] "You two _are_ married!" EMPP1: "No, I'm just paying." (07/08/94) MJH22: "You are speaking of the woman I love!" JMB29: "Yes, the RSPCA have been informed." (07/08/94) +***From FJMD1: I make sure I chat people up, even in fire alarms (03/08/94) FJMD1 (on uk.singles): OK so I'm male and English, but you can spank me anytime. (02/08/94) +***From MJH22: JULIAN'S CODE ATE MY BABY (25/07/94) RRW1000 [to MJH22]: "It's the only use you've found for banana-flavoured trainers." (21/07/94) TC108: "There's a sticky thing in the sofa. Do you want to feel it? It went up my bum." TC108: [shortly afterwards] "I wouldn't mind but Bob Dowling's been sitting on it all evening." (06/07/94) +***From IBH11: I knew love was blind, but I didn't know it affected your sense of smell too! (24/06/94) +***From JMB29: Anyone who nargs should die. (21/06/94) ex-MJW19 (of ex-TGR10): "If he thinks the windows smell like buggery he's obviously doing it wrong." (17/06/94) +***From TDA10: (what does "french kiss" mean?) (16/06/94) THB11: "She's either trying to kill him, or he's shagging her. [pause] He's got the handcuffs out, so it could still be either." (15/06/94) EMPP1: "Why am I lying on the floor?" DNA1000: "Because you're more pissed than I am." (14/06/94) Ex-CRJ10: "We could go into town and try to crash a may ball?" Ex-MJW19: "Why not take Tim Roddis with us - he can crash anything." (14/06/94) THB11: "That can't be the CUCS Garden Party - it's too popular!" (14/06/94) OSD1000: "I refuse to be quoted." and shortly afterwards OSD1000: "It's scandalous providing him with paper. He'll write things down." (13/06/94) MHP1001: "I just like the idea of having a five foot spike coming out of my head." (13/06/94) ex-MBAR100: "Sisyphean is a word that springs to mind...just not very often." (13/06/94) SAM1007: "Let's walk down the centre of the road. I'll hit any cars that come." (13/06/94) OSD1000: "I dread to think what David [Damerell] would be like if his hair were infinite." (13/06/94) OSD1000: "Who's going to test the beta-release of Ian?"(13/06/94) NSM14: "I seem to be deflating your ego again." JMB29: "You've had a lot of practice." NSM14: "You've had a lot of ego." (13/06/94) MJH22: "I've tried fingering myself, but it just doesn't work." (13/06/94) IWJ10: "But I don't like pencils that have a rubber on the end." Ex-MAR19: "In which case you use a standalone rubber." (11/06/94) +***From MJS1006: Compscis have zero momentum(they tend to sit still a lot) so their position is completely indeterminate, ie. they could be in bed OR in Cockcroft 4... +***From RB10006: Or in Nir's case, both simultaneously. (10/06/94) MJH22: "I have 300 million grandparents coming to visit me this weekend and they're all made of cobalt." (10/06/94) IWJ10: "Anshu makes almost as bad an impression in person as in real life." (09/06/94) IWJ10: "If you managed to create a time machine, you would most likely get run over by a bus." (09/06/94) +***From TC108: well, we could do a quickie before you go home, and a long one later, when I've finished? (09/06/94) +***From TDA10: maybe I can find one at Newnham. They tend to wander round there late at night. (09/06/94) DJSD100: "Tact is for people who aren't right." (03/06/94) PJB1008: [in ucam.comp-serv.suggest] There is a sign in the user area asking people not to open the window because it negates the effect of the user area. (02/06/94) IWJ10: "This is Earl Grey!" ex-EMK1001: "Yes???" IWJ10: "Sorry, I was expecting tea!" (02/06/94) TC108: "I've only heard the word 'off' preceded by 'fuck', actually, so I didn't understand it preceded by 'clothes'." (27/05/94) TC108: "We're not talking Ian Jackson here, we're talking reality." (27/05/94) [To TJRC1] +***From TC108: we could go out tonight if you like, or I could give you a life somewhere (20/05/94) CRB11: "I know I believe in one God, but I don't know who he is." (16/05/94) JMB29: "I haven't got the hang of this relationship lark." PDH12: "It's just an element of X*X." (16/05/94) ***From JMB29: When you're tired of CompSci you're tired of life. (15/05/94) RJK1002: "Your door's buggered." OSD1000: "I know, I buggered it deliberately." (05/05/94) RJD4: "I've been dribbled on too many times in Newnham..." (04/05/94) OSD1000 (to RJK1002): "You're the closest thing to a Unix box that I've got at the moment." (05/05/94) ex-TGR10: "You can go into supermarkets and pick up women by telling them what all the E-numbers are." (30/04/94) ex-CRJ10: "I'm trying to remember what, if anything, I said no to." (30/04/94) CRB11: "I'm not narging, I'm talking about paper email." (30/04/94) AG120: "Until last night, I thought Richard Kistruck was Jesus." (29/04/94) AG120: "The wages of sin isn't death, is it, Rosie? It's Bailey's." (28/04/94) JMB29: "Sleeping with men is one thing, sleeping with Clive is downright perverted." (28/04/94) ex-JS138: "You're never out of temptation with a tin of chicken soup. (19/04/94) +***From VKW1000: anyway, I'm not a woman, I'm a compsci (18/04/94) +***From TC108: no, I like men who dress up in women's clothing and do the housework (14/04/94) +***From TC108: I'd recommend doing it normal, it's easier to fake if you're knackered (13/04/94) DRJ11: "It's like spaghetti: impossible to think about but vital to life." (12/04/94) +***From JMB29: Well, one thing is that it's pretty useless talking to people at hermes unless you actually want to sleep with them. (11/04/94) JMB29 (on GROGGS) "At least I don't physically assault people whilst drunk. Well, not unles they're female, and I didn't _mean_ to." (11/04/94) +***From JMB29: the last thing I want is teeth in the vicinity of my buttocks (09/04/94) +***From VHK10: A hacker is someone who writes on the back of his hand even when you offer him a piece of paper. (07/04/94) +***From TC108: sex?? what's that? (07/04/94) JMB29: "I had a really good character before, but I was talking to Joshua and accidentally killed him." (29/03/94) +***From JMB29: All the best men are women. (28/03/94) MJH22 (to VHK10): "I envy you your thighs." (26/03/94) +***From TC108: I'm trying to strip in the other window and it's going funny. (03/03/94) DAC11: "The correct way of cutting the fallopian tube is to chew it." (26/02/94) AG120: "I don't have to resort to sleeping with [SPQR1] in order to get my supply of Bailey's, I'll have you know." (13/02/94) +***From TC108: it doesn't really want to roll, it wants to have a non-Euclidian surface like the Lake District (09/02/94) TC108 (to ex-GRM11): "Oooh, do it in my ear, Gavin!" (31/01/94) JCJ1000: "My balls may only last 3 seconds but I still score more than you." (30/01/94) DSTM1: "It may be topologically possible, Julian, but that doesn't mean it's sensible." (30/01/94) CMBL1: "He's sexy in a shifty sort of way" (of RPTB1) (21/01/94) +***From FJMD1: I am so male you could brush your teeth with me (18/01/94) SJD21: "Do you know, this is the first time I can ever remember being wrong?" (17/01/94) +***From IWJ10: I'm really desperate for pizza now. It must be displaced lust. (17/01/94) RRW1000 (to the Operators): "Did you know that the load on bootes.cus has just reached 200?" The Operators: "Is that good?" (13/01/94) +***From AJ111: Well, frightfully clever things aren't all that exciting, really, in my experience. It's the pig-ignorant things any fool can do that excite. (07/01/94) MJG1003: "I can't offer you sardine sandwiches: I haven't any tuna." (11/12/93) GNB10 (in GROGGS): It is, in fact, possible to open doors for people regardless of their sex. (06/12/93) +***From TC108: I just couldn't cope with the social complexities of going out with a turd (24/11/93) LLR10: "It's all right, I've got another 50 pence in the fridge" (24/11/93) MJH22: "Of course, if the atmosphere were fluorine we'd be all right... in the sense that we'd all be dead, and salt wouldn't work." (22/11/93) SJB1 (to JMAK1): "I'd love to oblige you, but not with a pair of spoons." (21/11/93) TC108: "I suppose I could get the odd thrill out of a fir cone." (18/11/93) PAS14: "It doesn't feel like a badger from the inside." (10/11/93) PRT10 (in Groggs): "I don't think CWS mentioned whether his fact was a true fact or a false fact." (22/10/93) +***From RJF1001: I know. It's a real shame not having any new 7-letter IDs, isn't it ? They all get given Herpes by the CS instead. (18/10/93) JRXR1: "How do you get the one dog to have more legs?" (14/10/93) CRB11: "My brain's gone... What's my brain gone?" (14/10/93) MJH22: "Cambridge is the only place where you can make a joke about complex analysis and a duck laughs." (05/10/93) SA121: "It's a very good reason for staying alive, if the afterlife is like Ian's bathroom." (05/10/93) MJH22 (to IWJ10): "Don't point your ears at me when you're reading Netnews, you revolting person." (02/10/93) ex-GRM11: "I'll be sure to save my Indecent Proposal for your return." (16/09/93) MJH22: "They don't make nipples like that any more." (23/08/93) ex-RC113 [best man]: "What time are things happening tomorrow?" GJM11 [bridegroom]: "What things?" ex-RC113: "The wedding." (16/08/93) +***From AJ111: Oh, right. But then as a literary critic I'm trained to misunderstand virtually every text I see. (16/08/93) MJH22: "I imagine anything with 3 back ends would be cute." (05/08/93) Ex-HP102: "That's not the Dalai Lama, it's Frank King." (12/07/93) ***From AJM8: One of my contemporaries (VERY STUPIDLY) filled in a random date in a section entitled: +***From AJM8: "IF you are married, give your wife'S d.o.b) claiming that he hadn't been told what to do if he wasn't.... (06/07/93) AG120: "I get travel sick talking to George Russell" (23/06/93) +***From AG120: ... I feel like dressing up as a computer just for a joke..... (22/06/93) MJW19: "Bach wrote more music than was humanely possible." (10/06/93) +***From NAS20: it very hot in my room, and i keep killing all these midgets - WHERE they coming from??? argh! (08/06/93) [To JML11] +***From RPTB1: Ok, I admit it: I'm seduced. Take me, baby. [and shortly afterwards] +***From RPTB1: Oh no, I'm not falling for that one. First _you_ give me your shirt, _then_ I'll think about my trousers. (08/06/93) +***From MJW19: (Mike): how about proving P=NP, always a good laugh. Guaranteed to break the ice at parties. (06/06/93) ex-HP102: "It's probably safest to change your money into Zen. Er, the Japanese currency." (28/05/93) ***From PAM1001: (Paul) I have nothing better to do with my life but talk to Nir (27/05/93) +***From BCK1: Eskimos have 107 words for hippopotamus. notify bck1 Why should a hippopotamus want 107 words? +***From BCK1: That's all you're allowed on a telegram. (24/05/93) CWS10: (in Groggs) I did not suggest that I didn't like CRJ, just that he may need electro-shock therapy. (19/05/93) CWS10 (in Groggs): The question of disposing bodies in an effective and untraceable way has been puzzling me for a long time. (18/05/93) JP107 (in Groggs item H1352122): In case I didn't make it clear, the reason for the poor performance is almost certainly that BL10 is completely crap. (16/05/93) CRJ10: "Who needs hard drugs when you've got Green's functions?" (15/05/93) +***From IJW11: Bugger. I hate C. I hate projects. I hate CompSci. Do you think MacDonalds need a new waiter? (09/05/93) +***From THB11: Trying to talk to Clive is like having a conversation with a stroke victim on tranquilisers. (-8 +***From THB11: Or a corpse. Only ouija boards reply quicker. (05/05/93) CWS10: (in Groggs item H1182146):"The whole concept of love started as a ploy to sell more chocolates." (29/04/93) APS14 (on Part III Maths): "Cambridge's answer to the Total Perspective Vortex." (26/04/93) GJM11: (of JRP1) "He even has a copy of Mark Wainwright in his archive space." (22/03/93) [On IJW11's session:] +***From CRJ10: What the ****'s happened to Zinque? notify crj10 Bye. %logoff (The Great Zinque Cockup -- 20/03/93) CRJ10: "Chris Hacker is a thompson who hangs around all night." (19/03/93) Waiter at Caffe Piazza: "If you wanted cutlery, you should have gone to Pizza Express." (15/03/93) SJD21: "Oh God, he's quoting the Bible at me. What do I do now?" (followup) SJD21: "As long as he doesn't quote me as the senior Chapel Warden of Trinity I don't mind." (13/03/93) +***From JRP1: Well I was sitting here peacefully dozing over a few Blaschke products. I wasn't expecting stray primates. (12/03/93) KMJ1000 (CUS System manager): "It's my neck and I'll be chopped off at the knees." (Chairing the CUS planning meeting -- 12/03/93) [GKS1's session] ***From Operator: Tape GKS101 rejected by system asking for SL but system says its a non label tape *** CN(04) ***From Operator: Perhaps you can contact tape librarian? ********* *** CN(04) opsend Oh bugger. COULD SAY THAT (08/03/93) +***From GKS1: The worst thing about getting messages from the operators saying YOU COULD SAY THAT is the way they appear on the screen in capitals. +***From GKS1: It makes you feel you are being addressed by Death, at least if you have ever read a Discworld novel. (08/03/93) +***From MJW19: New grogname: "People used to kick sand in my face before I discovered UNIX. Now I am seven feet tall with extremely impressive genitals!" Bugger too long. Time for a .sig (01/03/93) +***From IJW11: It's OK, you're proably just pregnant. (25/02/93) AWPG1: "They [the USA] have. They've got a free-trade agreement against Canada." (24/02/93) IBH11: "Where's Nir?" TGR10: "He's gone to the toilet." IBH11: "Probably the women's one, so that he can 'meet people'." (23/02/93) DAC11: "Why do these people can't speak English?" (23/02/93) Said in Sidney MacSussex Computer Room: JMB29: "Do you think they'll mind an apple appearing in the bin?" (22/02/93) TGR10: "I've tossed in a saucepan." (21/02/93) CRB11: "I can't count to four." (16/02/93) MJW19: "All those French farmers kill sheep by setting fire to their buttocks - the sheep's, not their own, that is." CRJ10: "No they don't." MJW19: "Oh. Well, still - woooooarrgh, eh?" (12/02/93) MJW19: "`Lady' is a woman's name, there's a dog in 101 Dalmatians called it." (11/02/93) JRXR1: "I'm waiting until 11 and then I'll get him [js138] to log on." CRB11: "Why? What happens at 11?" JRXR1: "The day changes." (07/02/93) JMB29: "It took me a long time to realise that Robert Hunt and Robert Hunt were the same person." (05/02/93) (Concerning X-terminals) nf cet1 well, it now works OK; I think the problem must have been shortage of memory. +***From CET1: One of those Pericoms, is it? nf cet1 Yes, one of those ****ing Pericoms. +***From CET1: Actually Pericoms have too little memory to **** (03/02/93) CRJ10: "I've played around with a few serious organs before now..." (03/02/93) +***From CWS10: It's just not cricket - I think it's because life is imitating Groan. +***From CWS10: I long for the days when Life imitated Art or at least television. (29/01/93) In MJH22's message space: RSC1004: I dont mind you not minding that I know you think i am talking bollocks. What I do mind is being told I am talking bollocks when I do not know what I am supposed to be talking bollocks about (29/01/93) CWS10: If you can drop off the receipt off in my pigeon hole then I'll try to get the monet to you when we next meet. (CWS10 added art smuggling to his other interests on 26/01/93) +***From NSM14: Don't try to out-normal me, I get more normal things than you free with my breakfast cereal (23/01/93) ALJ11: "Perhaps I should amend 'The world is going down the tube' to 'Bob doesn't like Clive'." (21/01/93) CLR11: (looking at a computer keyboard) "Go on then, find an 'X'." (19/01/93) MJW19: "It's quite nice now that you can use words like 'crap' and 'bollocks' in GROGGS." CRJ10: "No - you can't use 'bollocks'." MJW19: "Oh - can't I?" [Starts hitting delete] (17/01/93) +***From CRB11: Interesting concept. I'll take the Peace and leave the Sandwiches thanks. (15/01/93) MRO2: "Once you've done one induction, you've done them all." MJW19: "...by induction." (14/01/93) (Re: Kama Sutra): +***From RSC1004: certainly interesting reading..... Some of the positions do not seem humanely possible. (14/01/93) CWS10 (in Groggs item H0141250): According to my passports, I have been to Belgium many times but for some reason I don't remember what I did there. (14/01/93) From the newsgroup ucam.cl.students: GRLW1: Whilst browsing through the man pages, as you do, I found a most interesting program 'month'. However, it doesn't seem to be anywhere... tmal@cl: You must have been reading the classic F.P. Brooks reference `The mythical man-month'. :-) (08/12/92) From the Unix host command: *** Error during listing of cmu.edu: Success (07/12/92) notify crb11 Will send out a mail, once I've established numbers. ***From CRB11: Try the Peano axioms. 8-) (07/12/92) From INFO.SUGGEST: > Suggestion I3370033: from GJM11 at 00.33 on 2 December 1992 > [...] Incidentally, there appears to be a spurious extra "d" > at the end of INFO.MAIL.WISHLIST . > > MRAO 2 Dec 1992 8.39 > CS reply: > See INFO.MAIL.WISHLIST (where this already appears) ... (02/12/92) VHK10: "Channel 4 have this program called 'Catholics and Sex'. They interview priests and lay people." (30/11/92) JP107 : "Have you read Knuths 'The art of computer programming'?" RJD4 : "No." JP107 : "You must have read it. Everyone has read it." RJD4 : "No." TDA10 : "I haven't. JP107 : "Well actually neither have I, but..." (27/11/92) GKS1: "There ought really to be a command, oughtn't there, so that you could type ABOLISH CD118/UTTERLY and," [at this point GKS saw the submitter typing and stopped speaking] (25/11/92) +***From IJW11: Oops... 8-) Sorry, that death threat was meant for someone else... (24/11/92) TGR10: "Are you a man or a Churchillian?" CMG17: "I'm a Church... oh!" (21/11/92) +***From RC10004: I am not stroppy you shitty little southern git! (20/11/92) Cockcroft lift phone conversation: CCLP: [Rings] CRJ10: "Hello?" CCLP: "Hello, is that the Cockcroft lift?" CRJ10: "Yes." CCLP: "Is it going up or down?" CRJ10: "Up." CCLP: "Ah, good." (19/11/92) MJH22: [ about the Sidgwick Outstation ] notify dfs12 Quieter than the UA for working, & has everything except the vendepac. +***From DFS12: (Daz): It doesn't have an mjw19 does it? notify dfs12 No, but there's one available online.. (18/11/92) MJH22: "It's not a phallic object; it's a bishop." (16/11/92) [ A message from the operators... ] ***System liabel to crash in two minutes (15/11/92) +***From TGR10: Cliches are a damning endictment of the society we live in. (10/11/92) MJW19: "I do speak Welsh." CRJ10: "No you don't." MJW19: "Yes, I do - I just don't understand it." (06/11/92) JS138: "Has time started yet?" (06/11/92) PAS14: "If he thinks I'm bonking him because he's got a grogname like that..." (06/11/92) +***From GKS1: I have had my sleep patterns disrupted by Bill Clinton. +***From GKS1: And what is more, Boris Yeltsin is scanning my brain with ultrasound. (05/11/92) JP107: "The trouble is getting the rotating ink." (04/11/92) +***From JMB29: And I'll be flagellating myself daily for the next two weeks. +***From JMB29: If I get too tired, I'll get my boyfriend to do it. +***From JMB29: Oops. (28/10/92) GDR11: "We can make something with four `duck's in." ex-MAW13: "Namely?" GDR11: "Duck duck duck duck." (26/10/92) TGR10: "Is a register file a bit like a paedophile?" (19/10/92) MLB13: "I always seem to end up tied up." (17/10/92) ex-IWJ10: "Computer? What's a computer?" (15/10/92) ex-MAW13: "[Xenophon] didn't have any soldiers himself, did he?" JS138: "What did he dip in his eggs, then?" (15/10/92) ex-MAW13: "The [books] I wrote under the name of Ruth Rendell..." (15/10/92) OPER to CRJ10, in reply to a suggestion: "You must be a new user." (10/10/92) MJW19: "I bet you didn't know the Marquis de Sade did a sideline in designing milk cartons?" (08/10/92) +***From CB113: (Clint Roughly) ***Stock market crashing in 3 minutes. Please log off. (07/10/92) Tony Cains (ex-TMC11) in a Labour Students meeting: "Britain isn't an island, you know." (10/06/92) MJW19: "Technically speaking, using a loaded shotgun as a dildo is safe sex." (28/09/92) MJW19 [to CRJ10]: "Unfortunately, you don't have a gigantic black nose you can hook ropes round." (28/09/92) PAS14's mother: "Well, if we can't see them, and you can't see them with your eyes shut, then they can't be there." (11/09/92) FJMD1: "Like unicorns and Edinburgh, dragons don't exist." (11/09/92) PAS14: "Do you suppose that's the Republican convention downstairs?" (18/08/92) +***From JML11: I retract everything I've ever said. Bum. Ooh what a giveaway. (14/08/92) +***From BCK1: "yet another intergalactic crisis" eq centipede with heavy boots (12/08/92) MTB3: "If you're an atheist you won't go to church even if you're told your vicar is an atheist." (10/08/92) Not from a Phoenix user but JRP1 didn't know what else to do with this (from Dr Rogosinski of Swansea): "Ah yes, the three B's: Mozart, Beethoven and Brahms." (29/07/92) In GROGGS: > Reply from the Wombiquangle (JRP1) at 10.43 on Tue 28 Jul > > No, GJM is not God. He just looks like Him. (28/07/92) MJH22: "...and by the time you work out that everybody in the world is actually everybody else..." (27/07/92) AG120: "... a programme called 'Through the Keyhole' where they look round a celebrity's wife and you have to guess who the celebrity is." (24/07/92) APS14, in Groggs: "A hedgehog without Hodge theory is like a combine harvester without combinatorics." (03/07/92) > notify sjd21 Where are you? +***From SJD21: Somewhere on the NMS. Where I know not, but I can see a whale (24/06/92) CRJ10: "If we carry on like this then we're going to have an argument" MJW19: "No we're not we're going to have a meta-argument." The rest is left as an exercise to the reader. (20/06/92) +***From IWJ10: Hello. I'm not sure I'll be able to fit you in - there's only a limited amount of space in the pot ... (20/06/92) +***From TJRC1: Well, I'm off to get some beauty sleep, and dream of all the unpleasant things I'd like to do to [SPQR1] (17/06/92) IJW11: "Can anyone tell me where I can buy a decent sex slave nowdays, then?" (15/06/92) MAR19: "... You were only confusing a lightbulb and a prostitute's breasts." (14/06/92) GAD11: "I have no shame - I'm a mathematician!" (11/06/92) MAW13 of ex-GRM11's singing: "It's a pleasure well worth missing." (08/06/92) MJW19: "There's a special bond that grows up between a man and his urinal." (early 06/92) CRJ10: "It's not [a] completely false [quote]. To prove it I'll send it to Martin." (early 06/92) HAV10 (drinking a glass of grappa): "It seems to be diluted alcohol." (04/06/92) +***From JS138: Mine is small and I have an expensive mistress. (03/06/92) HBN (not on Phx): "I want to know which fool decided to have 14 inches in a foot?" (01/06/92) MAW13: "Where is the Central African Republic?" CRB11: "In Central Africa." (31/05/92) +***From JMB29: And how advanced _is_ American science? (29/05/92) CRJ10: "You watch out or I'll take my jeans off." (29/05/92) +***From JMB29: Just because I'm stupid doesn't mean I know how to use Unix. (29/05/92) A quote overheard in a medic/vet lecture: MEDIC: "I wouldn't like to be a hairdresser - think of all the responsibility if you cut it wrong." (27/05/92) JAL16: That was the lecture he gave to the TMS in TeX. (25/05/92) PAS14: "So a flagpole is in fact a vaginal symbol, is it?" (21/05/92) From Brian Omotani's (BKO1's) birthday lunch comes: MZC1 (to a group of Queens' graduates): "Well you all seem to screw the same women!" (15/05/92) +***From MCF14: I don't have to use Turbo Pascal to jump in the Cam. +***From MCF14: (just C) (14/05/92) +***From CRB11: Forgive me: I from DnDland. (13/05/92) +***From YMS10: Oh those kind are beyond my comprehension. I barely understand the method they use to cut Alex Jones' hair, let alone digital watches. (13/05/92) CRB11: "One line of the hymn was 'Trust and obey', but I kept on wanting to sing 'Share and enjoy'." (10/05/92) MAR19: "With beta-testers like that, who needs enemies?" (09/05/92) RM113: "Edinburgh is in a different country from the rest of England." (06/05/92) JRP1, in a GROGGS item: "unfortunately May always seems to come at this time of year." (05/05/92) +***From HRM10: Does Pt III maths involve hideous exams ... ? (02/05/92) +***From GER11: The other way of looking at it is that Trinity was bound to go downhill as soon as I left. (26/04/92) +***From NL105: (Nir) "let's talk about disc drives, baby, let's talk about you and me" (26/04/92) GJM11: "There's puddles of Sibelius all over the floor by this point." (04/04/92) CRJ10: "You can probably tessellate two women pointing towards each other." (01/04/92) +***From JMB29: I'm doing some run-tests for Gareth's bible. +***From JMB29: [He thought the old one needed improving upon] (01/04/92) GKS1: "Is there anyone here who hasn't arrived yet?" (28/03/92) JMB29: "With friends like mine, who needs enemas?" (20/03/92) +***From REH10: All I get to do is finger Bob Dowling. Draw your own conclusions. (20/03/92) TGR10: "It's a bit of a bugger this -- it took me ages to get it up... and it won't go down now." (13/03/92) HDW11: "A marrow is just a painful courgette" (15/03/92) SL112: "Well, I was asking _all_ the men to take their clothes off." (12/03/92) MJW19: "Just because I threatened him with chainsaws, it doesn't mean I'm a dangerous loony." (10/03/92) (Overheard) "There are a lot of strange people on Wirral." TJRC1 - "Yes, my Aunt and Uncle are one of them." (09/03/92) JMB29 (in Trinity computer room): "You're not a member of Sidney, what are you doing logged on here?" (to CRB11) (08/03/92) PAS14: "I don't know that it's a christening robe; it may in fact be a tablecloth" (07/03/92) PAS14: "I wonder how William spells his 'W'?" (07/03/92) MJH22: "That's not a h-heirloom; it's a hairbrush" (07/03/92) [On telephone] OPER: Hello, machine room. CRJ10: Hello. TCP/IP connections to Phoenix aren't working at the moment. OPER: Is that the adviser? CRJ10: No. OPER: Why not? (04/03/92) CRJ10: If that's an extension of my penis, then it's bloody odd. (03/03/92) PAS14: I've just got back from today and haven't gone to tomorrow yet. (28/02/92) +***From JML11: Take them off Clive, sew the bottoms up, fill them with jellyfish and then put them back on Clive. (27/02/92) +***From KMB12: I forgot to unwrap my terminal so I lost the dinner. (27/02/92) +***From JMB29: Nir has just failed the Turing test. (27/02/92) [notify jmb29] Ha! Unprovoked agression! +***From JMB29: I prefer to call it anticipatory retaliation. (27/02/92) SVL (non phx user): ''You're so speechless you can't say anything.'' (26/02/92) In a GROGGS contribution from CWS10: For example very few people seem to realise that there is very little difference between sex and torture. (25/02/92) +***From JML11: My greatest regret is that I did not punch Tim Roddis when I had a chance to. ***From JML11: My second greatest regret was Clive's stupid pink trousers. (25/02/92) JPL14 (in Groggs item G0491031) Magdalene's academic performance has got _much_ better since it went all heterosexual (24/02/92) GJM11 (at pub meet) "I remember it's counter-intuitive one way or the other, but I can't remember which is intuitive now." (23/02/92) Barman to JMAK1 (at the pubmeet): You're a serious thinker. (23/02/92) talk dan10 Hello. How do you fancy attacking the English? +***From DAN10: I am the english (14/02/92) RJD13 in G0372041 on 02/02/92 Mysteries aren't mysterious, they actually make perfect sense. They're just things that physical beings have rather a lot of trouble coping with conceptually. CRB11 9 Feb 1992 23.21 PEOPLE WHO GO NOMESSAGE IN THE MIDDLE OF CONVERSATIONS DESERVE TO BE LOCKED UP WITH JULIAN BIRCH, THREE RANDOM MUSLIMS AND THE ENTIRE CICCU COMMITTEE FOR ALL TIME (09/02/92. By 09/03/92 CRB had succumbed to the evangelists and converted...) FJMD1 (in G0301629): Shut up and go away if you are only going to be negative. (01/02/92) MJW19: "He's giving me that despondent 'Why have you just killed me?' look." (27/01/92) PJH22: "Nothing wrong with my hands -- I've got five fingers and a thumb." (25/01/92) TGR10: 'I used to be a poseur...' (25/01/92) +***From EKC11: I am just annoyed that he turned himself into a better female than I am after 23 years of practice! (20/01/92) DGA12(at cusfs meet): "He[God]'s not omnipotent in matters of logic. For example, he couldn't make 2+2=4." (20/01/92) GJM11: "I wouldn't go to a lecture with a Fellow in the lecture room." (18/01/92) EKC11 [of DAC11]: "He can now play Tetris without having a sex change." (16/01/92) MAW13: "Julian, are you trying to tell me you can't bid because you're about to have your head cut off? That's not good enough." (13/01/92) +***From JMB29: I'm going mad. And what do they do? They quote me. (13/01/92) MAR19: "That would be a good way of drying your feet - stick them in some tea." (09/12/91) GKS1: It's in German. EVF10: So is "God save the Queen". GKS: No, "God save the Queen" is not in German. EVF: I mean the tune is in German. (09/01/92) +***From JML11: When they made Robert Hunt they threw away the mould but it grew back anyway. (04/12/91) In INFO.SUGGEST.CURRENT... MJW19: I could set up a remote process on a machine in my room to automatically wash myself every month or two so that I need never forget again. (02/12/91) +***From PWE10: I'll merrily wreck terrible vengeance ! (02/12/91) CRJ10: You're spilling real world all over the floor (29/11/91) MJW19: 'I'm deliberately not leading you up any blind trees' (29/11/91) [From CUSFS Terry Pratchett talk, 26/11/91] Terry Pratchett: 'There is no truth in the rumour that I love computers, it's just what I tell them to get them to bed.' TGR10 Whilst asking a question criticising his books, '... I haven't actually read any of your books, 'cause I couldn't stick 'em for more than one page...' [ from the Groggs pubmeet 24th/25th Nov: ] MJH22: "I _am_ some kind of meta-god" CRB11: "My god - I have spilt tea all over my mug now." JPB15: "I want to find out who voted for me as Large and Dangerous of Groggs and rip their fucking heads off." IWJ10 to SL112: "But you've fiddled with so many things in my room." MJW19: "I never used to be biased against Northerners until I met Tim Roddis." IWJ10: "I used to be biased in favour of Northerners until I met Tim Roddis." MJH22: "I used to say I _was_ a Northerner until I met Tim Roddis." MJH22: "Dork is not a four letter word." (24/11/91) +***From JML11: Right. I've had enough of this. I'm going to measure my nose and make its dimensions public. +***From JML11: got me ruler here... +***From JML11: Erm, has anyone got a 12" ruler? I've only got a 6" one. (24/11/91) [In F3231702] GM115: Can you store low fat strawberry yoghurt or an egg in your mail folderfile? (23/11/91) +***From MJH22: (Martin) Technonargery: what is the maximum time a notify cn The Italian populace's general interest and support for science (22/11/91) +***From HJN11: REally? Well, my father was a calculator (22/11/91) +***From ALJ11: Alex and I are busy killing each other... (20/11/91) JRP1, in item F3220125 and referring to Charles Dickens; "The Terry Pratchett of the early Victorian era." (18/11/91) MJW19 (In Trinity Great Court): Why they can't just split this into four little courts, I don't know... (16/11/91) CRB11: "Excuse me, I want to die; I've just been bonking Tim Roddis" (16/11/91) from a game of Botticelli CRJ10: "Do you have a split personality?" SA121: "Yes. Can we get back to the game now?" (16/11/91) +***From JMAK1: I prefer leather as you get the fun with the dead cow as well (14/11/91) CRJ10: How far are you prepared to go for alcohol? PAS14: Is he [JMAK1] cute? (14/11/91) IWJ10: "This must be the most happening place in Cambridge, right now." [...of Cockcroft 4 at 3 am...] (14/11/91) PAS14: "Is this a league command? I have to tell you, as a GROGGS sub-editor, that league commands are illegal - where do I come in it?" (14/11/91) JMAK1: "I never offered to kiss _your_ feet. _She's_ a Sub-Editor." (14/11/91) JMAK1: "RJD4. He's a prat, isn't he?" [Assorted warnings from listeners.] "I'm not a CompSci, I'm safe." (14/11/91) GJM11: "I've miscounted the number of days in the week." (12/11/91) JMB29 in F3111821: The man on the Clapham Omnibus is _always_ a Nobel prize-winning biologist (12/11/91) +***From GPW11: (sorry for long pause - we were having an ice-cube fight) (08/11/91) GJM11 "... or else it's trivially true, or trivially false, or both." (07/11/91) TJL13: "There's two classes of people in this world: category theorists and Gareth." (06/11/91) +***From JMAK1: NO I WAS CHIVALROUS AND HAVE NOT SEEN HER SINCE (06/11/91) MSA11: "My navel elongates whenever I hear your name."(05/11/91) +***From MJH22: (Martin) Oi! You tekkin the piss, ferret-features! Ah'll fukkin brek yer face (cont'd GROAN WITH RODDIS). (05/11/91) CRJ10: "Shit - it's half past midnight. How did that happen?" MJH22: "Quickly. I mean - it was only half past eleven ten minutes ago." (04/11/91) PAS14: "I think I must have some duck-receptor in my brain somewhere..." (04/11/91) +***From RIT10: Words are ephemeral; there's no point in putting them in files. (02/11/91) +***From JMB29: Life and PHX have one thing in common - one little thing goes wrong, and you can't scrollback (01/11/91) In the LeHelp failed help log: MJH22 30 Oct 1991 1.18 ...asked for help on crotch-less panties CRJ10: Yes, I'm sweet, innocent, naive, and ignorant of the ways of the world. Now suck me dry, you sex fiend. (30/10/91) CY100: At the moment I am logged on in a somewhat perverted way. (30/10/91) JDJ11 (in a GROGitem): Uh-Oh! Clive, that's not your navel, it's your ethernet port..... (29/10/91) +***From CRB11: Your mouth appears to have fallen off. (29/10/91) JAL16: Of course, the thing to do if you want hot custard is to have a yoghurt (28/10/91) MJH22: "I didn't know I could get my finger right inside a mouse." (27/10/91) MJW19: Oh damn, I need to go to Newnham - I only know the way in the dark. (27/10/91) ARJB1, in tones of the most utter astonishment: "But you **KNOW** where the sex shops in Cambridge are. There's..." [followed by what is presumed to have been a correct description of where the sex shops in Cambridge are]. (26/10/91) ex-GRM11, speaking to ex-JPM19: "Hang on; I'll just pass you through the bannisters." (26/10/91) +***From HJN11: I'm not personally acquainted with any cowpats. (26/10/91) EPB10: "When you go into the Chapel you take your feet off." (24/10/91) RHSK1: "It's just like you'd imagine acceleration to be --- you go forwards at increasing velocity." (23/10/91) CRB11: "My sincere apologies, I seem to have spilt tea all over the centre of Winchester." (23/10/91) +***From KF106: I'm an obnoxiously noisy red orange and yellow jumper... (22/10/91) +***From MJH22: (Martin) Me, I have notify conversations with God. (20/10/91) TM110: "Clive, stop playing with my phallic object." (19/10/91) From INFO.SUGGEST.CURRENT CS reply from MRAO 18 Oct 1991: All things are possible (but see INFO.THINGS.CURRENT.STATUS ;-) ). HDW11: "I don't attack people with knives; it's not safe." (17/10/91) +***From CB113: I think I'll vote conservative (16/10/91) RJD4: A cup of coffee in one hand, a woman in the other. What more could one want? non-user (xJRC14's better half): Chocolate cake. (14/10/91) MJW19: It's a quarter past seven, or, to put it another way, it's half past two - only the other way is wrong. (14/10/91) MJW19: [of Roger Wilson] "He couldn't link Clive's face to his name because he doesn't conform to the Acorn procedure call standard." (13/10/91) IWJ10: What are your initials ? PJH22: PJH22. (At the CUCS stand at Societies Fair, 13/10/91) CRJ10 : Just be stylish, just be chic, wear a condom on your beak. (11/10/91) MJH22 : (Of Mike) Ah, he's a cushion fetishist as well. MJW19 : Oh yes, I love my cushion. MJH22 : How does it feel about you? MJW19 : I don't know, it hasn't told me, it's a cushion, you prat! (11/10/91) +***From JML11: I've got music. I've got rhythm. I've got inflatable trousers, who could ask for anything more? (08/10/91) +***From JML11: I have also used a Jumbo Corkie (TM) to good effect. (08/10/91) +***From MJW19: (The Cambridge University Very Long Talknames Just for the Hell of it Society): +***From MJH22: (The Society for the Legalisation of Marzipan) oops - e/Penguin/University/ (08/10/91) CRJ10: "Ah, so _that's_ what you do in toilets." (08/10/91) (Immediately before a massive PAD/CUDN crash in the Christ's College area) +***From PAS14: I've just finished my first GROGGS edit. (07/10/91) CRJ10: "I change my password more often than I change my tee-shirts." (03/10/91) MJW19: "Oh dear, that was Bob Dowling walking past - I'd forgotten about him." (Said one day after arriving back in Cambridge---02/10/91) PAS14: "I'll log on at lunchtime." ST111: "Is that a.m. or p.m.?" (22/09/91) +***From MJH22: (Martin) wouldn't worry me at all. If you can send email from beyond the grave, then death has lost one of its terrors (22/09/91) ex-JDM17: "We're not crazy; we're technical support." +***From AG129: Nobody has yet mentioned that classic work on spanking, the Beta of Uranus. +***From AG129: You could have The Eta of Babies as well but it makes less sense. (19/09/91) CRJ10: Is ignorance a defence? PAS14: How should I know? (18/09/91) CRB11: "I may have misread the question, but at least I got the wrong answer right." VHK10: "I know my rapes." SA121: "Help! My eyes have run out of memory." (20/08/91) French Security Guard to JRP1, on examining his UL card, offered as a means of identification: "Est-ce que Fitzwilliam est votre prenom?" (13/08/91) TC108: "Oooh! What's this warm thing in bed with me?" "Can I have your families please?" (09/08/91) RJD4: "This nurse friend of yours, is she a physiotherapist?" GRM11: "No, and she's sick of people asking." (04/08/91) GRM11: "Just because you dedicate yourself to God doesn't mean you can't have fun." RJD4: "Try telling that to a celibate nun." GRM11: "Oh, I did..." (04/08/91) SA121: "Dawn is the time between logging off and going to bed." (02/08/91) +***From PJH22: (Philippa): how does it go? I know you think you understand what you thought I said but do you undersatand what I think I meant (30/07/91) TFO10: I am and never have been a member of a so called terrorist organisation, ie IRA,INLA,IPLO [F2050854] (25/07/91) +***From NBVS1: (Nicko) What's three orders of magnitude between friends? (19/07/91) GRM11: "I knew that marriage was illegal, but I didn't know about incest." (19/07/91) Father to PAS14 (female, at St John's): "Has St John's admitted women yet?" (06/07/91) +***From GRM11: Bananas are not only incredibly phallic, they taste nice. (01/07/91) CRJ10 in a GROGGS item: "I'm having oral sex with a hippopotamus - isn't that obvious?" (30/06/91) SR124: What's the difference between a dildo and a vibrator? CRJ10: Simple - one vibrates. SR124: Ah. I always use the two interchangeably. (28/06/91) [In item F1781007] RJD4 : Well, it's not my birthday, but somone seems to have sent me an inflatable woman through the post. (27/06/91) RJD4: "You role-play, I'll drink." (27/06/91) +***From PAS14: I was coming to Churchill with a waterpistol last night, but I got sidetracked into a discussion on Calvinism and free will... (21/06/91) +***From TGR10: Kiwi-fruit pizza, and stop giving Clive an excuse to rest his head on my shoulder (20/06/91) +***From GJM11: I think I would. You don't normally die of theorems. (20/06/91) +***From MHB11: soeey, typing ewrotrsa due to alcxohol (16/06/91) +***From CRJ10: Eeeb - clunk. My brain just fell out. SA121: How very inconvenient. How much damage has been done to the terminal???? (15/06/91) [Crossly, in the middle of a dance floor, during a Foxtrot] SKB13: "I wish everybody would stand still!" (15/06/91) MJW19: "I always use industrial-strength double-sided sticky tape - the stuff they use to stick American presidents together." (15/06/91) [Talking about BL10] ARJB1: "He wrote Phoenix!" GJM11: "I daresay God has forgiven him." (12/06/91) SA121: "I'm sure it's called Desmond for a perfectly good reason. Ah!... [pause] Why the Hell is it called Desmond?" (11/06/91) RHSK1: "It's time to stop. One more game?" (11/06/91) JDM17: [of CRJ10 before an exam] "He's networking." CCA10: "Really? He looks stand-alone to me." (07/06/91) SCCP1: "I used to have some intellectual rigour, but I swapped it for a lollipop." (07/06/91) DRJ11: I remember the good old days ... when people used to log on in the Soil Mechanics Centrifuge... (07/06/91) +***From TC108: half a pizza is better than sexual favours (04/06/91) KME10: MS-DOS devices don't have a closing colon. TGR10: How do they sh*t? (31/05/91) IWJ10: "Your brackets aren't matched! When I said it my brackets were matched! You lost one of my brackets." (29/05/91) JS138: Light doesn't seem to affect me. (29/05/91) [On hearing 'The Four Seasons'] JPM19: "You do know what this is?" (29/05/91) RJS23: "Sort of... I know the tune, but I don't know the words." GRM11: "Short of a baboon, you can't touch your elbow." (28/05/91) [On the subject of Tetris] MAR19: I'm not addicted, I just needed it. (28/05/91) +***From MJW19: I'm not in the mood for petty name calling, thank you very much, Mr. Addict. (27/05/91) IWJ10: "This is three days running it's been Friday." (25/05/91) +***From RGW12: I couldn't have a fulfilling relationship with a pop-up toaster (23/05/91) MJW19 : "... a high speed processor, which is really fast." (20/05/91) CRB11: "I am not Colin." (20/05/91) GRM11: "I am prepared at this time to admit that I am Colin." CRB11: "I am in fact Colin, but you don't know that yet." WVND1: "I can't now go into the final panic stage in a controlled manner." (20/05/91) [referring to SS132] IBH11: I managed to break a bed with her once. (20/05/91) SJD21: "Bugger! I knew I should have brought a change of trousers." (18/05/91) GRM11: "At no point did I assert that any member of the CS is not totally brain-dead." (16/05/91) [With reference to CRJ10] +***From KME10: (Karl): I vote for killing him (or (16/05/91) alternatively, his session). GRM11: He always becomes invisible while drinking cups of tea. (15/05/91) MAR19: "When is an '@' sign not an '@' sign? When it's an intra-uterine device." (14/05/91) SA121: "This isn't the sort of ice-cream you eat -- it's the sort of ice-cream you have a relationship with." (11/05/91) RJS23: "When he appeared he was invisible." (09/05/91) +***From JML11: I don't miss it. Sex is fer poofs. (02/05/91) [in GROGGitem F1191651] (02/05/91) APC13: You are assessed constantly during your fall and unless you know the correct procedure, you will not be allowed to progress any further. [Talking about Compsci lecturers] (01/05/91) JS138: Who is worse. xxx or yyy? RSD11: They're two of a pair. I suppose xxx is prettier. BL12: "Sex is usual, thought in many cases a little silly." (29/04/91) MAR19 (to himself): "It's alarmingly like being drunk." Himself: "What's wrong with being drunk?" First MAR19 again: "Just ask a computer." (26/04/91) GRM11: "I haven't got a bad sense of balance - I knew I was going to fall over." (26/04/91) AMP12: "CCS Agents will be shown by circle-shaped boxes." (25/04/91) HDW11(male) to CRJ10(): Ah. This seems to work. I want to have your children. (21/04/91) CRB11: "It would probably have been quicker just to generate the primes by some fast algorithm." (15/04/91) [Tom Korner and JRP upon getting lost on a stairwell] JRP1: Well, I'm still confused... TWK: Yes, but you're now confused on a higher level. (28/03/91) PER10: "Shall we have sex or violence now?" (19/03/91) RJS23: "Ah. That explains why the height of the Cavendish has been bobbing up and down recently." (19/03/91) RHSK1: If this turns into a rampant sex scene, I think the LISP will just have to win out. (19/03/91) +***From GRM11: I object to anything which cuts down on the number of women who want to have sex. (18/03/91) GJM11: "Emma, I am not your wife." (15/03/91) +***From JRP1: Why are all the people I know totally insane? (13/03/91) +***From SKB13: Oh dear, I've just thrown my room key down the lift shaft! (12/03/91) RJS23: "You can invite people along to lots of things, but if you ask them to bed, they often refuse." (12/03/91) AG129: "I'd forgotten how small and weedy undergraduates are." (12/03/91) +***From SL112: Well, religion isn't all bad (but then not all god either) (10/03/91) HAV10 (Female): "If I were a girl..." (10/03/91) [Overheard via a telephone call to the machine room] OPER: "I'm not paranoid --- just very conscientious." (09/03/91) [Now a CUSU sabbatical] (08/03/91) +***From MFSY1: (Matt): I was becoming a hack, but I think it's going to be alright now RSD11: ARM code programmers should have a union. SS120: But they can't! RSD11: Why?? SS120: Because that's something in C, isn't it! (05/03/91) RSD11 5 Mar 1991 17.28 (05/03/91) Thankfully, I'm not a CompSci - I'm just following the course. NMD10: I think it's fashionable to look like Dougal. (01/03/91) [In GROGG F0591349] (01/03/91) [F0591349] SA121: I tend to move at fairly normal angles, but I turn a lot of corners, and when I stop moving I usually wind up at an unconventional inclination. AG129 27 Feb 1991 19.04 (27/02/91) Oh groan. Total control of Phoenix and I'm bored already. GRM11: "Ah, JRP1's on the top, with CRJ10 underneath." (28/02/91) +***From MHB11: When you say 'born here' is that Britain, England, Cambridge, St John's, terminal X00000801190005, or what? (27/02/91) RIT10: "I knew he was here before me, because I was here before him." (26/02/91) RJS23: "I hate it when I go to the toilet and log on by accident." (26/02/91) [Clive and John at a Pub Meet] JDM17: "Coffee tastes quite good after having been through a water buffalo." (26/02/91) CRJ10: "He [RJS23] might be asking him [RJD4] to fondle his buttocks." (26/02/91) +***From PGN10: Sorry, some of the control characters in your bed seem to have got mangled. (24/02/91) +***From PAS14: what do hangovers sound like? (23/02/91) +***From TC108: it was just a quickie!! I was adding a man to my list (22/02/91) SS120: Maybe that long one could get in between Clive's legs. (21/02/91) [SECURIC to CRB11 whilst in the toilets] "Strange guy in there: the one with the latex tights." (19/02/91) JS138: When I wake up, I'll be logged on. (19/02/91) +***From TC108: Clive will smear you in vaseline, whip you seven times, then wonga wonga... (16/02/91) +***From CRJ10: Maximum Joy at high volume - yeah! (16/02/91) [after not receiving any Valentine cards] RHSK1: "I don't need anybody else to acknowledge my worth --- I'm arrogant enough to think it's self-evident." (15/02/91) +***From RSD11: So that spong is not merely a totally pointless function - it is actually so pointless that we don't even know whether it is pointless or not (14/02/91) +***From JML11: My nipples implode with disgust. (14/02/91) SKB13: What do you know about the marital status of my parents when they were married? (14/02/91) +***From NMD10: At least my hairstyle is Riemann-integrable (13/02/91) IML1: If you discover a device which is plastic, green, can be held in one hand, and looks like an instrument of torture it is probably a chip extractor. (12/02/91) SA121: "The old monitors were monochrome, they [the new ones] are black and white." (10/02/91) +***From PAS14: I can offer you afterwards rich dark chocolate cake, and cream, and more cream, and hot chocolate, and cream, and marshmallows, and meringue, and cream. And cream. +***From PAS14: Oh. And mulled wine. (08/02/91) GRM11: "You could probably go up to 40, and maybe even 80, without breaking the 200 mark." (05/02/91) JDAW1: "I always treat particles as arbitrarily small, large- scale objects." (31/01/91) +***From PAS14: thanks. it must be nice to be a Mac. Always winning these daft games 8-( (30/01/91) +***From RSD11: Oh, I always thought that night-dresses made the best bandages. Amazing what that particular source for bandages sometimes leads to ... (28/01/91) [in GROGGS] AJG19: sorry for the typeos - i've got a cold! (26/01/91) AWPG1: It's stupid having all your lectures at the same time of day, because then if you're never awake at that time of day, you miss all of them. (23/01/91) CRB11 : "I'm a total weirdo, but I like to regard myself as being on the sane fringe of GROGGS" (22/01/91) +***From CRJ10: (Clive): I sympathise. I hate going to lectures in a skirt, too. (20/01/91) JRP1: Divisibility by 17 is easy. Multiply last digit by 5, subtract from the rest of the number. JRP1: e.g. 323 --> 32 - (3 times 5) = 17 +***From IF10: Yes, I believe so. ah JRP1: Sorry, that notify was intended for GER11. +***From IF10: I thought it might have been some sort of groan +***From IF10: Except that it appeared to be true. (19/01/91) EDWH1: Most of the classical music I like was recorded before 1800. (17/01/91) DR105: Smallpox is natural, but then so is sex. I guess art comes somewhere between. (17/01/91) [on a diet] (17/01/91) AH124 I haven't eaten anything between meals except for chocolate. mf113: I whinge incessantly but I never burble. (17/01/91) +***From JML11: Sorry, that "Oh." was going to have something after it but I pressed return too earl (15/01/91) CRJ10: An American senator even directly raised the subject of MacPlaymate in a debate. PAS14: Was that to do with the "look and feel" legislation? (13/01/91) non-phx user in email: I'm going to stop now since I'm not sure I got yuor adrres right and don't want to waset this beutiful spilling (03/01/91) +***From GER11: Better to err with Partington than hit the mark with Sankaran. (14/12/90) CRJ10: "Weirdo to you too, with a padded bum." (13/12/90) (Troubled by the hassle of going down each term) GRM11: "I wish I could stay in the one place all the time, and just be in different locations." (13/12/90) SECURIC: (In the machine room when Phx was down) There's nothing we can do about it - even Chris Thompson has gone home. (08/12/90) PMA11: "If A is true, then B implies C anyway. But if B, then that reduces the chances of D. Now what are A,B,C and D again?" (30/11/90) TC108: "Flakes aren't phallic - they get smaller when you suck them. Clive, if you write that down I'll spank you." (30/11/90) GDR11 : ... Zen claims to be like a banana in this respect. (Possibly in other respects, too) (26/11/90) RPJ11: "Good god, how to find out the powers of 2. I think there's something seriously wrong with my primes function." (21/11/90) RJD4: What sort of inhuman bastard was this?? JDM17: Richard Stibbs. (21/11/90) exSJM16: "I'll have to do a quick head count and decide whether I'm a man or a woman." (20/11/90) RIT10: "Richard Brooksby is the sort of person who wears clothes all of one collar" (19/11/90) ***From GS104: It's all right, it was a consenting adult cucumber and it wasn't a patient. (19/10/90) (describing Wokingham) +***From CBW10: It's beautiful and fluffy and whit and softy and all sort of with wispy bits (17/11/90) GRM11: Don't tell me to shut up on my birthday. CRB11: It's not your birthday. GRM11: Shut up! (16/11/90) GRM11: Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, I would like to thank all you people who have made my birthday so special. And can I have my door back, please? (15/11/90) +***From NMD10: You eigenmathmo! (15/11/90) College librarian: "All those students ever do here is play loud music and spend money at Sainsburys." (14/11/90) IWJ10: Damn - I need a screen dump! Can I have my pencil back, please? (12/11/90) MH125: "You mean your nose is agile behind your back?" (11/11/90) [His excuse for being late to a meeting] CRB11: "I decided to abandon my work crisis and go to a party instead." (08/11/90) +***From RJL15: You would blackmail your 1 eyed, partially deaf old grandma for a cheap black and white telly (07/11/90) RJS23: "The idea is to pick it up in your mouth, with only your feet." (07/11/90) +***From EVF10: `Half of 2 Subtract One and 4 = 0' ... except it doesn't (06/11/90) ST111: "I'm a compsci! _I_ don't need sleep!" (05/11/90) GJC11: Generally I shall make things UACC READ, only I will do so specifically. (03/11/90) PAS14: "_Two_ dead men in my bedroom would be a bit hard to explain to the bedder in the morning." (03/11/90) GRM11: "You know where you are with Y-fronts." (03/11/90) GRM11: "I have real trouble getting my leg over." (02/11/90) RJD4: "What's the mortality rate on this planet [Earth] ?? One in three?" (02/11/90) CRB11: "You know, the worst thing about deja vu is that you can never remember what happens next..." (02/11/90) 3rd year mathematician: "Is 2 even?? But I thought it was prime!" (01/11/90) IWJ10 : "Clive has told me the CS won't see it my way at all. That just goes to show how weird the CS is." (01/11/90) LR106(male): "Much as I like wearing women's underwear ..." (31/10/90) SA121: "Tracey, can you take these pubic hairs off me before I drop them?" (31/10/90) AH124: "Facetious?? You mean like faeces?" (30/10/90) SKB13: "I don't see how anyone can fail to find bananas phallic." GRM11: "Talking of phalluses..." (29/10/90) > Reply: JDM16 28 Oct 1990 22.14 > > I've now checked, and I believe that Daylight is actually > freeware. GDR11: "I notice you have free Entacards. Or at least, that you don't have to pay." (27/10/90) RIT10: "I'm a sort of cross between a bass and a tenor: I can get as high as a bass, and as low as a tenor." (26/10/90) TC108: "I don't walk with my feet" (25/10/90) RJD4: "Do you give lessons in tying women up?" (25/10/90) CRJ10: I tend to get by and large, less strange as I fall asleep. (24/10/90) TC108's boyfriend: "I thought I was drunk and then I realised - the floor was moving!" (23/10/90) [on the subject of arachnophobia] AH124: "There must be lots of that about now, you know, people who don't like Iraquis." (23/10/90) GJM11: "Yes, but neither of us is winning as such at the moment, except perhaps you." (23/10/90) TC108: "At least mine [cleavage] is bigger than your's. It just goes in all sorts of funny directions." (21/10/90) RIT10: "Well, you wouldn't say 'odd numbers' if you were talking about odd numbers, would you?" (21/10/90) RJS23: "My leg works unless I try and use it." (21/10/90) CRJ10 : "We don't want any murders on our conscience this early in the term" (20/10/90) [To PER10, after an appendectomy] (20/10/90) GS104: "What a pity you couldn't have been awake for your operation." [after Trinity Matriculation dinner] GRM11: "My estimation of Tim [TJL13] has just gone up. I didn't know he was the sort to take advantage of drunk female freshers." (20/10/90) [upon eating a biscuit] MAW13: "w.l.o.g. I ate this biscuit five minutes ago." (20/10/90) HDW11: "I can see that as a newcomer to the game, I may be regarded as a newcomer." (19/10/90) NMD10: "Did I tell you about the time I nearly killed someone with a fruit pastel?" (19/10/90) +***From KJL11: I'd love to be able to have baby pandas, but not humans! (18/10/90) [to CRJ10] (18/10/90) +***From JRP1: Go away, you're supposed to be at death's door. +***From JRP1: Or did you just log on to make your will? CNR12: "This is actually a NICAM receiver without the facility for receiving NICAM" (17/10/90) GRM11: "Clive's the sort of person who would logon between being embalmed and being buried." (16/10/90) CRJ10 (in Addenbrookes): "I'm not down, I'm rebooting. I'm doing a system restart." (14/10/90) CRJ10: "The stretcher had some very interesting straps on it." (14/10/90) RJD4: "Are you authorised by an editor to access the groggs files directly with your own software?" RM113: "Well, I spoke to JAS11 in a train once." (11/10/90) +**From GS104: How was America, Where Good People Go When They Die ? JH120: I'm IN America. +**From GS104: Impressive. Excuse me, I have human lives to save... (11/10/90) AH124: "Come and see my cracks..." (11/10/90) EGC10: "I seem to know everyone by userid, not by ... not by... um... name." (10/10/90) PS10: "I don't lose my temper with Richard [Stibbs]. I just beat him up." (10/10/90) Non-phx: "What's a 'Cambridge' Christian?" (08/10/90) TC108: "Oh, someone who wears a cycle helmet, even when walking." MAW13: "A needle will float on water if it's small enough and light enough." GRM11: "I know, I've done it." MAW13: "... as opposed to larger and heavier which..." GRM11: "Does that work in England, but?" (07/10/90) GRM11:"External frames are great. Once you've negotiated the hazards of the barriers and the doors you breathe a sigh of relief, and then the train starts up and you disembowel dozens of people standing behind you." (07/10/90) +**From IC113: I have a dead daddy-long legs stuck by static electricity to my monitor at the moment (07/10/90) IWJ10: "C can be obfuscated - that's part of its flexibility." (06/10/90) +***From TC108: when men stare at me, it's usually because of my ear muffs!! (06/10/90) In the course of one evening... TC108: "I hate men." TC108: "I hate women." TC108: "I like people though." (05/10/90) MAR19: "Incidentally, I realised something today - did you realise that I'm a sort of demigod?" (05/10/90) ST111: "As far as I'm concerned, 'bright' and 'early' are mutually contradictory." (05/10/90) +***From CRJ10: Yes, I'm a systems analyst. Actually I'm a gynaecologist, but this is my lunch hour. (05/10/90) +***From GRM11: I3 Whewell's Court. Come up and see me some time --- big boy. (04/10/90) PAS14 4 Oct 1990 16.22 Phoenix: JML11Ooooh. is too long for a user name. (04/10/90) TJL13: "I must sound Scottish, I'm in England." (03/10/90) CRJ10: "I've only been logged on 20 hours and 30 minutes." (02/10/90) GS104: ".... I was down Harbourside trying to learn to like Budweiser." (02/10/90) CCA10: "What's the point of having a constitution if you're not going to break it?" (02/10/90) +**From CRJ10: Don't worry about Magnus - he's trying to think, and it's causing physiological and psycho-social aberrations. +**From MAR19: Don't worry about Clive - he's trying to breathe and is just having difficulties because my hands are around his neck. +**From CRJ10: Magnus has just found out that he's much easier to strangle than I am. (02/10/90) JRXR1: "Why would I want to consult a qualified psychiatrist? I know I'm mad." (30/09/90) (referring to musicans) REH10: "Actually Sullivan was a bloody good mathematician!" (28/09/90) RJD4: "Rob Swarbrick. Notorious for breaking more things than Aldabra has set fire to." (28/09/90) SKB13: "Or 'he'. I assumed it was 'she'. Probably because it says 'Faculty of History'." (26/09/90) +***From NBVS1: (Nicko) I hate typeing with a 5 second echo.... echo.... (25/09/90) JS138: "It involves putting your hands on reasonable parts of the body, rather than all this messing about with the feet." RJD4: "I'm so used to thinking of you as one of the lads I sometimes forget you're female." PAS14: "Orgasms, candlewax - what's the difference?" (20/09/90) JS138: "I always walk at this speed, I just usually walk a damn sight faster." (20/09/90) RJD4: "I'm sure ALT.SEX.BONDAGE is of great import to (14/09/90) UNIX programmers." SJB1: "Well, I'm sure Maggie Carr would be interested." CRJ10's mum: "Look at that - you can't see it!" (09/09/90) BL10 7 Sep 1990 10.29 NB Death is an extreme sanction for someone who provides an inadequate network! (07/09/90) +***From PAS14: .... I had a thesis-nightmare last night 8-( (07/09/90) +***From RJD4: Oh Shit, eight odd pages of thesis to type in and I'm pissed. (07/09/90) MRO2: Do you think there is any possibility that the originators of Unix are also responsible for corn circles? (05/09/90) exSJM16: I hate Atari keyboards. They are incompatible with long fingernails. (05/09/90) PAS14: "I'm female, which means my arms don't work." (31/08/90) From the pub meet (The Mill): (29/08/90) GS104: "I am the only person in the whole room who could deliberately, on purpose, kill someone and only lose my job." JDM16: "One does not charge Maggie Carr for looking at one's shorts." PRT10: "I have this great technique for removing semen stains." JDM16: "Yes, I know." After a short pause... JDM16 (in horror): "Is that PRT10?" +***From RHSK1: I must hurry away cos this is from France on my employers's phone bill! (21/08/90) From the Pub meet (Cambridge Blue): (13/08/90) DR105: "Don't mention leprous pigs." AG109: "Anyone who's anyone has been firebombed." JS138: "Is this Saddam Hussein we're talking about?" RJD4: "No, Jonathan Partington." And at various points during the evening... AG109: "IBM are not a computer company." AG109: "IBM are a religion." AG109: "I worship IBM." JPMG1: "Being pi/2 out of phase on your arms can be quite painful." ***From AJS18: Some nerk set fire to the hills (where's Aldabra?) (10/08/90) +***From WJL11: Why isn't Clive saying anything? Is he broken? (08/08/90) WJL11: "Our cats don't come with instructions." (06/08/90) +***From GRM11: Oh no! Not the homosexual cats! (05/08/90) +***From PAS14: TERMINAL ABSOLUTELYNODEADLINEMESSAGE OPT THANKYOUVERYMUCH (02/08/90) GRM11: The river doesn't seem to be as wet as it usually is. (25/07/90) +***From RJD4: Never work with animals, children or users. (25/07/90) +***From CRJ10: OK. My hypothetical breadsticks are paralell. (26/07/90) SKB13: Medicine isn't supposed to be good for you, you know. (23/07/90) DFH1: "There is progress on two parallel, and hopefully converging, fronts." +***From JML11: I'm clearly not expressing myself very well at the moment, so I think it's time to write some more thesis. +***From GRM11: I'm not saying I've got a big one - just that it's hard to ignore. +***From JML11: Maths problem: if I notify 10 users with "I've got an absolute whopper right in my trousers", what is the probability that 6 of them will quote me? (23/07/90) +***From CRJ10: Who needs sex toys when you've got John Levine on the other end of an X25 connection! (23/07/90) +***From JML11: Trust me. I'm almost a doctor. (23/07/90) +***From GRM11: Quote me on pain of having your toe-nails removed. +***From GRM11: Right - now where did I put that pair of pliers? (23/07/90) +***From IWJ10: Phy-rand: abbreviation for Physiologically Randy. (21/07/90) JDM17: "I then brought out documentary evidence to prove that I wasn't myself." (20/07/90) ADVISER 19 Jul 1990 16.48 [PS10] (19/07/90) xfile was feeling the heat - it has now recovered - apologies GRM11: "I'll try killing myself and see if it helps." (15/07/90) JDM16: "Who is Alasdair Grant?" (12/07/90) TR104: "Who is Alasdair Grant?!?!?!?!?!" JDM16: "I only _work_ for the CS!" TR104: "Barry Landy's a rabbi?! That explains every thing!" (12/07/90) RM113: "The coffee will take a moment or two to dry." (12/07/90) PH105: ...although the L1 and 1p coins have approximately the same radius, they in fact have very different diameters. +***From JH120: You're turning into JML. Stoppit. (05/07/90) +***From JH120: Ok, you've *turned* into JML. Stoppit is a bit late. +***From JH120: Watch it, you'll start growing a natty little beard and talking in a fake Scottish accent soon. GER11: "I'm a Tory so I don't need to bother about (02/07/90) moral objections." RJD4 to RC118: "You got into Cambridge on hyena shit and you'll get out of Cambridge on hyena shit." (29/06/90) +***From BTCK1: "The wages of popularity are inhibition" - a little known saying common with old Cornish basket-weavers. (23/06/90) +***From FSA10: I'm surfing on the Nirvana of looooove... (22/06/90) JS138: "Hang on - I'm thinking of something. What am I thinking about? I know I was thinking about something. Oh." (19/06/90) +***From PAS14: Me? Drinking? Why would I be doing that... GJM11: "Bach really wrote for the sitar." (18/06/90) FJMD1: So the answer to Y probably isn't Y unless Y is also the answer. (18/06/90) PAS14: "I grew up on neat gin out of the cupboard, because I didn't dare swipe the tonic too." (17/06/90) RJD4: "Aldabra, that's NOT my leg." (17/06/90) MAW13: "I don't think it's as dark as it looks..." (16/06/90) GRM11: "So what exactly is childbirth..? And when am I going to get the chance to use it?" GRM11: "I didn't say I wanted anyone to do it with me; I wanted to do it by myself." (15/06/90) RJS23: "What's the name for a weekend when you have it in the middle of the week?" (15/06/90) +***From SEW10: i believe it it is, but i woul dndt believe mr if u were to u as im pissed (14/06/90) FJMD1: "I'm going to sleep with the Chaplain!" (14/06/90) +***From RJD4: well, without PHX there is only coffee.(14/06/90) +***From JML11: Here's a lighted mathew for you to see by... (13/06/90) GRM11: "I'd just like to say that anything I may have said to Clive is probably incorrect because I was talking at the time." (14/06/90) +***From JML11: Then, you lay the notion a swift dummy, I saunter round the back with the cardboard tube, AG109 causes a diversion by with some really aggressive assembler programming, and Whammo! Mick Jagger gets the GOP nomination for 1993! (11/06/90) FJMD1: "Can you spare me any time?" (10/06/90) JY101: "That depends on whether you want to see the whole of me." FJMD1: "Always yes, but sometimes no." (10/06/90) exCHP10: "They do have things planned; they just don't know what or when." (10/06/90) PAS14: "It must be quite fun being Bob." (10/06/90) CRJ10: "Mark's male, isn't it?" (10/06/90) +***From GS104: The number of your lunchtimes is limited only by your imagination. (09/06/90) GRM11: "You should meet this girl I know - She's very (08/06/90) heavy handed." CLR10: "Oh dear, I think I've got to go to the UL - (07/06/90) I've left a Christmas pudding there." USERV: Phoenix works in mysterious ways! (07/06/90) +***From TC108: when you wear as much as I do, (ie not much and not often) there isn't an awful lot hanging around in your posession! (06/06/90) RW112: "Well there's only China, Albania and the CS left." +***From IWJ10: I'm sure INFO.RULES says something about not being a smug bastard. (03/06/90) notify xxm10 Coffee? +***From XXM10: Amphetamines? (02/06/90) +***From AG120: I'm going to be a good little girl now and logoff like the nice system tells me to. (01/06/90) +***From CB113: Arghhh! Run !!!! CJGP!!!!!!!!!!!! (01/06/90) JS138: "We shouldn't have gone to the User Area after we logged off from that party." (31/05/90) RJS23: "It doesn't accelerate and decelerate, it just gets faster and slower." (31/05/90) Scene: Advisers' office - (30/05/90) FJMD1 (not advising): "I'm not on duty..." (Female) User: "It's all right, I'm just cruising." SJB1 (advising): "It's no good cruising in here, dear!" FJMD1 (muttering): "No, we're all Computer Scientists." RJS23: "At least one inevitable thing should happen every day." (27/05/90) SA121: "I know it's Friday today because tomorrow is Tuesday." (26/05/90) MJO12: "Life is like a tin of biscuits. I happen to be one of the chocolate hob-nobs." SCJ13: "Life is like a tin of biscuits - it doesn't last long with MJO12 around." (26/05/90) RJL15: No offence but I think compscis are all small dirty genetic defects with no purpose at all. (25/05/90) +***From NMD10: Sorry - I was talking to myself, but I misdirected it. (25/05/90) +***From CB113: Shall I ask JML11 along, or do you want to have fun? (25/05/90) MAW13: "It _is_ common usage. _I_ use it commonly." (25/05/90) +***From DJC15: 'some wally' 'bob' .... same thing really! MDS14: "Look I'm trying to fall into a drunken stupor here - stop annoying me!" (24/05/90) PAS14: "I can cycle home when I'm unconscious on the sofa." PAS14 (to RJD4): "Do you not normally have young girls screaming in your bedroom?" (21/05/90) EPB10: aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate maths! +***From JRP1: So do I, and it's my job. A bit worrying that. I can't change to Land Economy at the age of 35. (17/05/90) +***From JH120: Nothing for it, I'm gonna have to eat a bat. (17/05/90) RPTB1 : I'm not averse to wearing girls clothes (16/05/90) +***From RJS23: Haaahahaah. Go to sleep during the Day, you know it makes sense. (16/05/90) +***From JML11: Well, how about some Scotch? Alcohol is better than sex anyway... (15/05/90) +***From JML11: Damn. He's demanding a love slave for the weekend. (15/05/90) GRM11: I've been replaced by a plate of biscuits. (14/05/90) JRP1: Pity nobody's yet found a serious use for mathew.(14/05/90) PGN10: "I have a photo of you, talking to Alasdair Grant. And you're smiling!" REH10: "Are you sure it's not a photo-montage?" (14/05/90) RJS23: "The problem with being asleep while you're awake is that things don't happen like you expect them to happen." (13/05/90) SKB13: Oh excrement - I can't do algebra! That has a sphincter factor of about 9.5! (13/05/90) +***From RJS23: I've got to the point of putting my bed on it's side when I'm in the room to stop me inadvertantly falling asleep. (13/05/90) +***From MJO12: I'm so incredibly good looking that the university could never boot me. (13/05/90) +***From SKB13: I'm no layabout - I haven't done any work all day! (12/05/90) RMR12: "Look, I have already had my name in the quotes file once, I would be grateful if it didn't happen again. If I have upset you please take out your wrath in a less violent manner." RMR12: " ... in an ideal world everything would fall apart." (11/05/90) CRJ10: "I'm a man. Well - I think I am. Yes - I checked, I remember." (07/05/90) SKB13: "Good idea, although we're doing completely different courses!" NMD10: "What you mean is I'm doing some courses." (06/05/90) +***From MAR19: My weirdness is only a manifestation of my fundamental sanity anyway (03/05/90) DFH1: "It wouldn't really make any difference if the mainframe blew up tomorrow." (03/05/90) ADM18: "I've got the varsity pool match this weekend." RJD4: "Oh, who against?" (01/05/90) At dinner... (29/04/90) [VFA = Visiting Foreign Academic] VFA: ... and are computers used much in the Pure Mathematics department? RJB10: Quite a bit - for example you sometimes see people drawing Mandelbrot sets on computer screens. VFA: What? RJB10: You know - the patterns you get in complex number theory. [we discussed them for a while, and then went on to other topics] At the end of dinner: RJB10: By the way, what is your name? VFA: Mandelbrot. +***From NMD10: But numerical analysis notes are equivalent to pieces of used toilet paper. (21/04/90) +***From CRJ10: Well - If I were God then I'd be out to get me, admittedly. (21/04/90) RJD4: "Mac users smell." DRTR1: "But the average Mac user is prettier than the average Phoenix user." (19/04/90) [SJB1's reply to this was removed at his insistence because he thought it would offend Mac Users. - RJD.] RM113: "I have been authorised to release this CS quote..." (12/04/90) GAN10: "What's a Catholic wedding like?" WIH10: "There's a lot of incest." +***From JML11: Aha. Finally found the brightness control on the sun. Can turn it down a bit now,... (04/04/90) +***From JML11: I've turned into a Boydie clone. (02/04/90) AG120: "I thought you said you would bet your life it'd be dry today." MAW13: "I said I _had_ bet my life. I'm half dead already." (25/03/90) PH105: "Hair gel improves your sex life." (21/03/90) AJS18: "I was wondering what the crunchy bit in the Pizza were. They were the fork." (17/03/90) FRT10: "The best way to kick somebody is with a bow and arrow." (17/03/90) DRTR1: "It's not irreversible; it's just not reversible." (15/03/90) RC118: "It involves various people's pigeon-holes getting wodges of mammoth stuck in them." (15/03/90) +***From PAS14: I think being female and scantily clad helped. I must remember that if I ever run into hostile police again. (15/03/90) AJT16: [Falling in love] - it's _just_ like Markov Chains. (15/03/90) ***Mail arrived from MAW13 NOTE: Hello opt nocopy subject spong. (15/03/90) +***From NMD10: Indeed not - I'm as sane as a....as a....errmmm (12/03/90) +***From JPJ10: Have you ever drank milkshake through a worm? (12/03/90) JML11 : "If there weren't any women, at least there'd be mushrooms" (13/03/90) exRC113 (of his fiancee): "She looks a bit like a Mosque, actually." (11/03/90) +***From PAS14: tomorrow never comes. or at least, I'm too busy phxing to notice when it does... (11/03/90) +***From RJS23: Ohh... kinky. +***From RJS23: Err... forget I said that. In fact, I didn't. Must have been someone else logged on as me. Phoenix sent a random message. (10/03/90) +***From GH107: That's the fundamental difference between computers and women...Computers can't say no. (10/03/90) CRB11: I would offer you a cup of tea, if I knew you didn't drink the stuff. (09/03/90) +***From JH120: Charity doesn't attach herself to my hip and whisper sweet nothings into my ear (08/03/90) +***From RIT10: Clive, that reminds me. You must give me back the donkey soon. (08/03/90) RIT10: "But you're not Helena yet." (to GRM11) (08/03/90) ARP11: "Make a special recording ... in which the volume fades from nothing to full." (07/03/90) RJS23: Coffee will kill you. Or at least, if it doesn't, death will. (06/03/90) +***From CWS10: They don't call me a devious, scheming bastard for nothing you know. (05/03/90) +***From NMD10: I think I'll go down there now and blow him [DFH1] away with my uzi +***From NMD10: I could wipe out the whole of the CS if I had a re-fill first! (05/03/90) NMD10: "Joining the CS is the computing equivalent of going into the KGB." (04/03/90) FRT10: "There must be _something_ useful that I can (03/03/90) learn in bed." FRT10: "It wasn't a bath, it was a skirmish." FRT10: "AJ's all quivery, hot and sweaty." (of AJS18) PAS14: "Ah. I've got booze. It's the mixers I can't afford." (03/03/90) / JS138: "Why does Prolog remind me of black lace negligees?"